In another installment of the epic battle between good and evil, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was spotted slinking through Norfolk last night.Yes, Newt Gingrich, on release from Azkaban, met with a cabal of Death Eaters, erm, Republicans, to further his plot to take over the world.
In years past, Gingrich terrorized the muggle populace in his relentless pursuit of power and infamy:
* A GÇ£family valuesGÇ¥ Republican who has been married three times.
* Served his wife with divorce papers while she was hospitalized for cancer.
* Had numerous extra-marital affairs, including a year-long affair with a Congressional staffer 22 years his junior, while attempting to impeach the President for having an affair.
* Had a temper tantrum and shut down the federal government for a month because he felt GÇ£snubbedGÇ¥ when forced to sit at the back of Air Force One.
* Sanctioned by the House Ethics Committee for use of tax-deductible funds for political purposes, for lying to investigators, and for use of a political action committee as a slush fund.
* Forced to resign as Speaker of the House, where he held an all-time low job approval rating of 28%.
* Like many Republicans, anti-gay; naturally, his sister is a lesbian and gay rights activist (what'GÇÖs with these guys?).
* Founded the Center for Health Transformation, a health insurance and health care industry GÇ£think tank.GÇ¥
* Writes GÇ£historical fiction,GÇ¥ lives it, too. See GÇ£1994 Republican Revolution.GÇ¥
* Noted for his GÇ£slash and burn politics;GÇ¥ pictured by Time Magazine as Scrooge holding Tiny TimGÇÖ's broken crutch.
With these qualifications, itGÇÖs hardly surprising that Lord V--, I mean, Gingrich, is a prohibitive favorite for the Republican presidential nomination.
So thus we have today's burning question at the Virginian-Pilot... "Do you think Newt Gingrich would make a good presidential candidate?" Head on over there and exercise yourself.
just sayin'
I mean, have you ever seen them both together? Didn't think so.
On reflection, the Dark Lord may have chosen the form of a Newt for its special qualities. According to no less an authority than Wikipedia, "Newts have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws."
Of course, that would not explain why neither of these men have a heart; no doubt the last book will shed some light on that.
Note to self: figure out a way to determine whether Cheney or Gingrich are missing a toe.