Cooch Goes off the Deep End

May 3, 2007
Dear Fellow Republican:

Well, it seems that many humorless liberals are now subscribing to The Compass.  How do I know?  Within hours after our last Compass went out, my opponent signed up on the blog "RaisingKaine," and submitted a humorless screed attacking me for my joke about Hillary Clinton and my comment about being underwhelmed with Her Majesty speaking to the General Assembly - this was referred to as "trashing the queen."  Of course, she did not quote me, otherwise her loyal henchmen (oh, sorry liberals? "hench-people") would have immediately realized that I did not "trash the queen," though my predictions about the event were 100% on the mark.

Several other blogs, including two run by constituents of mine, Not Larry Sabato and Renaissance Ruminations, picked up on the tiny liberal tirade.  I wasn't quite sure how to respond to their screeching, so I laughed - my usual response.  Get a grip folks.

Perhaps I should point a few things out here.  Three, to be precise (it's best to spell things out for liberals?).

First, Me.  I am the author of The Cuccinelli Compass.  That's why "Cuccinelli" is in the middle of the title (often shortened here to "The Compass").  I am the same guy I was before I ever ran for office, though I feel about 20 years older (and it's not because of my daughters?).  I don't play the fake little games that some others do by essentially re-creating who they are once they get elected in an effort to stay elected.

The good folks of the 37th District know what they get when they vote for me, and the guts of it doesn't change much over time ("not much" is b/c of the gray hair my daughters have begun to point out to me?).  My principles don't change and my personality doesn't change.  Just as I would rather lose an election than "trade in" any of my core principles to stay in office, so too I would rather lose an election than become someone else to win.

Part of my personality is humor.  I am funny, at least to me I am funny.  Sometimes the only person laughing at what I think is funny is me.  That's fine with me, as long as I get to laugh.

I have what I call a "low threshold for humor."  That means that for many things that you may roll your eyes at and think to yourself, `that's just silly,' I will openly laugh at? sometimes at great length.  Does that make me unSenatorial?  Too dang bad.  "Senator" only comes before "Ken Cuccinelli" in the title, not in real life.

This all brings a Dr. Suess quote to mind (though so many are applicable here?):

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Second, liberals (particularly those that are already actively pouncing on everything I say and do, twisting it to demonstrate `clear evidence' of some evil plot to rule the world?).  You are the people to whom I was saying "get a grip" above.  Why are you people so humorless?  I can attest to the fact that life is much better with humor.  Give it a try.  Maybe a few of you will even start to enjoy life so much you'll become pro-life.

In her screed attacking my Hillary Clinton/Nancy Pelosi joke, my opponent said the following: "I wish I could tell you that this is a joke."  Then she went on to say "?he is far too busy "trashing" women in power, like Hillary Clinton (NY) and the first female Speaker of the House in our nation's history, Nancy Pelosi (CA).  Oh, and don't forget the other woman he bashes, a figurehead from the United Kingdom.  Obviously Ken just doesn't have the time to focus on the problems we face here in the 37th?"

Two points for my opponent: 1) It was a joke.  Every other human being that read it knew that it was a joke.  2) Today's little lesson on making jokes? you need to be using timely material.  Let's take the joke in question as an example.

Here is the original:

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. (Firmly) Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
P.S. Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Now, let's do the joke again in a way acceptable to liberals? well, less UNacceptable:

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Ted Kennedy"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Ted Kennedy?"
6. (Firmly) Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
P.S. Next week we'll do Steny Hoyer.

So, which one is funnier?  The one with the scary-liberal lady running for President and the scary-liberal lady who runs the House of Representatives, OR, the one with the past-his-prime/over the hill wonder-liberal that didn't know why he was running for President (27 years ago) and the relatively innocuous side-kick to the scary-liberal lady who runs the House of Representatives?  I know this is a tough one for all of you out there in Rio Linda, but I know you can do it!

Now, unlike my opponent, I view people on their character and substance, not their gender, skin color, or other immutable characteristics.  My opponent invented a mythical intent on my part to malign all "women in power."  She seems to have overlooked that these two women are either in power or contending for it.  I'd be perfectly happy with a good Republican woman as President or Speaker of the House, and I'd be just as unhappy with a super-liberal man as President or Speaker as I am with Clinton and Pelosi.

Third, bloggers.  Some of you need to take yourselves and some of the rest of us a little less seriously sometimes.  The Internet makes subtle humor tougher to spot sometimes, but c'mon, give us all a break.  Don't make yourselves irrelevant by raising jokes in an informal newsletter intended for political supporters from all over Virginia to the level of a policy discussion.  Several blogs discredited themselves by treating my opponent's screed as if it had some merit or in some way contributed to the discussion of the race in the 37th District.

For you brand new (liberal) readers who do not agree with me and the vast majority of Compass subscribers, and who are presumably here motivated by a certain slip-up in a recent campaign that became the focal point for that campaign, we don't always talk about high policy here.  Sometimes we just have fun.  That's why there is still, five years on, no other newsletter in Virginia politics that is anything like The Compass.

And I'm not changing a thing.

Now back to my fellow Republicans, if you want to help us fight to stop the aforementioned liberal silliness from taking the majority in the Virginia State Senate, please email our campaign manager, Mike Joyce, at Mike@Cuccinelli.com to get involved, or call 703-766-0635.  We could also use your financial support.  Keep in mind that if people like my opponent take over, they might just outlaw humor (just so they can remake your world into their utopia? with your hard-earned money).

Maybe we'll get into some policy in the next issue? though this was kind of fun!  I hope I'll see all of you Republicans on May 12th at our legislative breakfast at the Waterford at 8:30 a.m.  Please email EveMarie@Cuccinelli.com to let us know you're coming or for details.

Annoy a liberal, work hard and HAVE A FUN DAY (it drives them crazy)!

Sincerely,
Senator Ken Cuccinelli
Virginia 37th District

P.S. Hey Ken, since you have such a great sense of humor, tell us what you think about having a blog named Kookinelli out there...

Comments

Hmph. (Kenton - 5/4/2007 2:40:32 PM)

Dear fellow Democrat,

Well, it seems many conservative comedians amused themselves by subscribing to the Sextant. How do I know? They invaded the atmosphere which I, a humorless liberal, had kept successfully dour and began making fun of the Queen. Soon after, we were being bombarded with emails and blog screeds attacking our lack of humor. Mi6 should be on their tail shortly. It took us over 200 years to get to where we are, and people like Senator Cuccinelli are going to aggravate the Queen so much she may just want to rule us again!

I wasn't quite sure how to react to this issue, but I knew I was not going to laugh. I am a liberal. We do not laugh. Some people lost control, apparently, of themselves and their bladders, and decided to giggle uncontrollably at the Queen's visit, and Hillary Clinton. Perhaps I should point something out here.

I am the author of the Kenton Sextant. That's why Kenton is in the front of the title. I am the same guy now that I was 20 years ago, with the exception of the fact that I now exist. I like to be myself, regardless of how disdainful everyone else is of me.

I have what I call a "low tolerance for humor." That means while many of you lowly swine will roll your eyes and giggle, I will openly frown at you and send from my eyes hopefully painful beams of disdain.

So stop laughing, lay off the Prozac, and be depressed. It's good for you.