September 1st, 2005As of that moment, the Bush Administration officially declared war - on the sky. According to White House officials, intelligence shows that Hurricane Muhammad and Hurricane Osama will be hitting the United States very soon, and we need to take action. So the United States will launch a full out attack on the skies above the Caribbean. According to President Bush, "the fight will be long, and it will be hard, but it is a fight we must win - to be free."
When asked how this will affect the War in Iraq, President Bush responded, "hmm, well, Iraq, yeah, well Iraq is important for the struggle for freedom, but lets be honest, we're getting our butts kicked out there. So effective immediately we will divert troops from Iraq to fight the hurricanes. We will fight them wherever they are, so we don't have to fight them here."
Clearly perplexed by the announcement, reporters asked the President, "but how do you fight a hurricane? Aren't they natural phenomenon we can't control?"
"You see, these hurricanes hate freedom, and it doesn't matter if they're natural or unnatural. We can't send mixed messages here, we gotta go show them that we mean business!"
"So what is your plan?" asked an even more confused press core.
"We have a plan, definitely, we have a good plan."
"And what is that plan?"
"Well, we're going to go to where the hurricanes are, and blow them up. America will not back down from tyranny!"
The President's remarks left the press completely confused, but nevertheless, he got immediate support from pundits, Party leaders, and supporters. Bob Novak claimed "this is a decisive move by a courageous President." Sean Hannity concurred; "you see hurricanes don't understand things like rebuilding and prevention; they only understand force."
House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay R-TX, fresh from a golf game, said "those freedom-hating winds cancelled my last 4 holes. Let's get 'em!"
The entertainment community has even chimed in. Brittany Spears, a Louisiana resident, said "I think we should support the President against the hurricanes that hurt the little redneck town I abandoned after I got famous."
Not everyone supported the President's cause. Moveon.org claimed "the President is a terrorist pig who smells bad, and he and the right-wing just want to kill everything so they can buy more oil!" Senator Kerry D-MA suggested bargaining with the hurricanes, and not acting until we exhausted all diplomatic solutions, while Ralph Nader noted how the hurricane wouldn't have happened if Congress had listened to him in 1978, 1981, 1982, 1982 again, 1983, well you get the picture. Libertarian leaders were asked their opinion, but said, "just leave us alone, that's all."
Clearly this plan may not be a good idea, especially since I made it up, along with everything else in this entire article. If anyone is offended by what I have written, I remind you that we have to keep our sense of humor even in times of tragedy and sorrow. And since this article is a joke, and we can't really blow up the sky, we'll need to start seriously planning how to better protect our country from such disasters in the future and how to coordinate mass evacuations in a far more effective way.