The popular summer movie, "March of the Penguins," inspired me to do a little parody - "March of the 'Publicans." It goes like this...Once upon a time, in a land of extremes, there lived a band of people called 'Publicans. The land they lived in was so barren, bleak, and icy cold, it supported no other wildlife -- not even trees. Just the way 'Publicans liked it, in other words. Everything there was black and white, no shades of gray, even the 'Publicans themselves. Again, just as they liked it. And, of course, the 'Publicans practiced good ol' fashioned family values: one mommy, one daddy, and baby makes three. Monogamous too, at least for a year at a time.
Speaking of "black and white," in 'Publican Land, if you weren't a friend, you were an enemy. My way or the highway. Dog eat dog, er, 'Publican eat 'Publican, with vicious predators waiting to gobble you up for a tasty snack. That's why you've got to be vigilant at all times, maybe even launch a preemptive attack before they get you first. Lots of male bonding and huddling together too, possibly a militia movement of some sort, but certainly no homosexuality. In fact, there's almost no sex at all in 'Publican land, just a quick, "wham bam thank you m'am" -- for procreation only, certainly not for pleasure. Stray from these family values, and the punishment is instantaneous and harsh: death of the first born egg, just like a Biblical plague in Egypt or something.
Certainly, things aren't perfect in 'Publican Land. For one thing, females and males both look alike, giving them a "unisex glamor" according to one critic. What is this, a bunch of metrosexuals or something? Another problem in 'Publican Land is that the overriding message seems to be that "it takes rookery to raise a child" -- Michael Sragow's hilarious paraphrase of Hillary Clinton's "It Takes a Village." Finally, thanks to a certain misguided 'Publican named George W. Bush, global warming may end up leading to the melting of the 'Publicans breeding grounds, and possibly even their extinction. Either that, or we might have a "March of the Penguins...er, 'Publicans" right up to the White House gate, along with Cindy Sheehan and God knows who else.
The End.