ItGÇÖs fall. The leaves are changing from green to brown. The states are changing from red to blue.--Leno
If [Ted Haggard]was using meth GÇô does that make him a Methodist? -- Leno
How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." --Jay Leno
"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit it though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family." --Jay Leno
"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno
Dan Rather, providing election an analysis on The Daily Show:
"She ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie." --on Hillary Clinton's Senate victory
"Pastor Ted Haggard has stepped down from his position. He was thought to be a George Bush Republican. Instead it turned out he was a George Michael Republican." --Jay Leno
"Haggard was exposed by a male escort named Mike Jones, who said he was troubled by the hypocrisy of Haggard's public support for a Colorado initiative to ban same-sex marriage. And you know you're in trouble when you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute." --Jon Stewart
"John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops. Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown." --Bill Maher
Turns out the two biggest things that hurt Republicans in the election were sex and money scandals. After all these years of attacking Hollywood it turns out they are Hollywood!--Leno
John Kerry came out of the closet today. Literally he came out. HeGÇÖs not gay. The Democrats just let him out of the closet. -- Leno