I know many of you are frustrated with the Republicans. You are tired of health care costs rising, and us letting the drug companies write the laws. You are tired of us polluting the air and water, and then cutting budgets for clean energy technologies and fuel-efficient automobiles. You are tired of us writing laws to take away your Constitutional Rights. I mean, we could take you away right now to a secret prison and what are you going to do about it? Anyway, I digress.
You are tired of the War in Iraq. You are tired of the stock market booming and you not getting a slice. We understand how you must feel. We realize that we arenGÇÖt doing as good a job as you might like. Frankly, weGÇÖre sorry. WeGÇÖll do better. We promise.
But before you go and do something crazy like vote for a Democrat, there is something you should know. Democrats are slimeballs. We are sorry you had to hear it this way. I mean, we know you like them. That Obama sure seems nice, and that Al Gore sure seems really concerned about the planet. But you have to face the facts. Democrats just arenGÇÖt stable. I mean, they accuse us of covering up sexual predators, taking bribes, and steering government contracts to our family members to do business with convicted war criminals, but they are far worse. For example, they are pretty lenient on sex offenders. Just look at how they let that Foley guy just up and resign from Congress and left the Republicans to investigate it! I mean, we havenGÇÖt had to investigate our own in like 6 years. The Democrats must really not be concerned about sex offenders to leave the detective work up to us! Of course, Democrats also call phone sex lines. I mean, look at Mark Arcuri. Okay, it was his staff that did it, and it was a wrong number, but he still dialed it, and that cost taxpayers money. You see, Republicans have our own phone sex lines, but they donGÇÖt cost taxpayers a dime because lobbyists pay for them. No harm, no foul.
That leaves us with this troublemaker Jim Webb; or as we like to call him on the ballot, GÇ£James HGǪGÇ¥. This Webb guy is really awful. Sure, the press goes after George Allen for being a lifelong racist with a mean streak who used to beat his sister, but Jim Webb did write some nasty words. Sure they depicted the gruesome aspects of war, but remember: most of us Republicans never actually served in a war, so as far as we know Jim Webb is just a smut-writer. In addition, Jim Webb hates woman. I mean, look at his writing in that 1979 article. We think he was involved with Tailhook. We donGÇÖt know how, but we put out an ad about it, and we think it makes Jim Webb look really mean. Sure, he doesnGÇÖt GÇ£Santorum-hateGÇ¥ women. We acknowledge that he thinks women can work outside the home, and he doesnGÇÖt think a woman should have to have a baby even if it was conceived in a rape. However, he has said things that should simply shock you. Horrible things, like they donGÇÖt belong in front-line combat or all-male military academies. Republicans may have said these things in the past, but we werenGÇÖt stupid enough to write it down, not outright deny it, or not blame it on alcoholism. We know better than that.
The purpose of this article is for you to understand that America cannot do any better than we are now. This is it folks: a long drawn out war, rising poverty, and crippling debt. But Republicans are committed to help. Sure we may only help a few people and those people may be very rich, but we are still committed to help somebody. IsnGÇÖt that enough?
So, we ask you all very nicely. Please vote Republican on November 7th. Democrats cannot be trusted. Democrats are dangerous and may be working with some Bin Laden guy to mail anthrax to schoolchildren. If you live in Virginia, vote for George Allen. At least with him, you know what you are getting. You are getting George W. Bush with a gap in his front teeth. Thank you for reading. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.
The Republican Party is responsible for this noticeGǪas well as all the bullcrap we have had to put up with since 1994.