If a bunch of right-wingers like Kilgore/Bolling/McDonnell had gotten together in Philadelphia 229 years ago, perhaps they would have written this:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that rich, slave- and land-owning, armed-to-the-teeth white men with bad teeth are created equal (well, sort of), that they are endowed by their Lord, Jesus Christ, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are freedom from the "Death Tax," income taxes, sales taxes, capital gains taxes, or any other taxes for that matter. That rich, slave- and land-owning, armed-to-the-teeth white men such as Ourselves will have total Security even at the expense of such wooly-headed notions as "Liberty." That we will be able to Freely and Happily pursue our God-given right to seek unlimited Riches and Campaign Contributions. That, to secure these rights, we don't need no stinkin' Governments instituted among Men.But, if for some stupid reason we HAVE to have a government, it should be a theocratic kleptocracy, deriving its powers from the Almighty Dollar and certainly NOT from the consent of the governed Masses of Idiots -- or any other such cockamamie Notions. That whenever anyone speaks up or challenges these Ends, we rich folks will just order our hired lackeys to throw their pitiful asses in Gitmo as we sit back and laugh at the People's inability to do a damn thing about it. Then, we will spend all day rolling around in our piles of Money, while we repress the Pathetic Rabble if they ever dare attempt to institute a Government that they believe most likely to enhance their Safety and Happiness. We shall continue to write run-on sentence and employ bizarre Spelling, Capitalization and Punctuation marks, secure in the knowledge that nobody and nothing can stop us.
Prudence, indeed, dictates that the Masses of Mankind deserve to Suffer, while Great Men like us abolish any rights to which they might have mistakenly grown accustomed. This Blessed Form of Government will leave us free to rain down a long train of abuses and usurpations upon the Rabble, pursuing invariably the Object of reducing them under absolute Despotism and Poverty. Good luck, by the way, to any of these Rabble who might try to throw off such a Government, or to provide Safeguards for their Social Security. We will shoot them down with the Arms and Militias we grant ourselves like the Scurvy Dogs that they are. Such will be the patient sufferance of these Rabble, under our tender mercies; that they will soon forget any former Systems of Democratic Government. Then, after a few decades of our repeated Injuries and Usurpations, we will have succeeded in our Object of establishing an absolute Tyranny over these States and these Pathetic Rabble. And, if someone outside these United States should dare to challenge our Blessed System of Government, we will kick their asses back to the Stone Ages before the Awestruck eyes of an amazed World.
[...]
We, therefore, the Absolute Dictators and Kleptocrats of the Extremely Divided States of America, belief absolutely (and arrogantly) in the rectitude of our intentions, cynically do all this in the Name and by the Authority of the Stupid People of these Festering Colonies. Anyone who questions us will be solemnly punished and declared Persona non Grata. These Divided Colonies will henceforth forfeit any right to be Free or Independent States. They will be Absolved from all Allegiance to any Crown but ours, and all political connections between them and so-called "Allies" (in the liberal Media, France, or elsewhere) will be and ought to be totally dissolved. As Absolute Dictators under God, we will have full Power to levy War (and lots of it!), conclude Peace (very, VERY rarely), screw up our Alliances, reap all the benefits of Commerce while granting none to the Masses, and to do all the Acts and Things we feel like doing with no Checks or Balances.
For the support of this Dictatorship, we pledge with firm resolve to employ our Great Fortunes, Stock Options, and Slaves/Lackeys. So help us God.
- Jerry Falwell (Virginia)
- Pat Robertson (Virginia)
- George Allen (Virginia)
- Jerry Kilgore (Virginia)
- Terry Kilgore (Virginia)
- Bill Bolling (Virginia)
- Bob McDonnell (Virginia)
- Bob Marshall (Virginia)
- Dick Black (Virginia)
- Dave Albo (Virginia)
- Jeff Frederick (Virginia)
- Grover Norquist (Virginia)