Of course, we all know that the "demons," "masons," "liberals," and "homosexuals" were out to get Pastor John. Well, now it turns out that they've succeeded. According to the Good Pastor's website, "Fighting the Homosexual Agenda," "Pastor John is no more" as of May 16, 2005. Turns out he is "a gay man from Southern California who loves politics and took an interest in Virginia elections since there isn't much else going on right now.' Who knew? :)
You say, "No! This can't be true! Pastor John was the funniest thing that ever happened to Virginia politics" (besides the Jerry Kilgore campaign, of course. But, sadly, it IS true. The party's over. No more rants about how "free loaders are floating up from mexico, stealing children, then trading them on the black market for illegal drugs and big sombreros." No more great stories about how "four men wrestle a mountain lion to the ground and rip off it's head." And, worst of all, no more chances for Pastor John to use H.L. Mencken-like wit to satirize and skewer the right-wingers' use of the meaningless, paranoid phrase, "the homosexual agenda."
Still, I am happy for the memories, such as the time I got my own writeup by Pastor John (or one of his alter egos) at the blog Valley Sense: "Lowell the penetrating pickle lover." I remember thinking at the time, "Damn, they caught me! How did Pastor John and his demonic, liberal friends know that I loved pickles?"
Oh, and while we're on the subject, how did they know that my fellow Democratic Virginia blogger, Waldo Jaquith, was a homosexual? All I can say is that I hope Waldo's very attractive fiancee Amber knows about this -- BEFORE they tie the knot!! (the final scene from "The Graduate" comes to mind)
Other highlights of "Pastor John" over the past couple of months include the following questions, comments, and deep thoughts:
* "Should a homosexual Virginian be allowed to carry a firearm? Is the Second Amendment limited in its application?"
* "This is an outrage."
* "No, it's too stupid to be outrageous."
* "Oh, puh-leeze. To quote my sixth-grade math teacher, this material is as old as Moses' toes and twice as corny. Get yourself a new line of schtick or get out of the funny business. And if you're even one iota serious, you are unworthy to call yourself a man of God."
* "You are a giant above mere mortal men. If only I were gay so I could truly appreciate your magnificence."
* "Take this blog DOWN!!!"
* "Demons be GONE!!!"
* " Pastor John, old chap: You truly are one of the most deranged little snake handlers I have run across in my slinkings on the internet. I await your first post written in "tongues" or some such thing."
* "I think someone may have contaminated your precious bodily fluids."
* "Praise God Almighty for someone like you with the courage to represent our faith in the face of virulent attacks from the winkie nabbers and nancy boys!"
* And, of course, all the people who thought Pastor John was serious and "the most offensive thing I've ever seen." Pastor John even managed to get "troll rated" out of existence (and confused with someone named "Pastor Dan") at the liberal blog, DailyKos.
In closing, I just want to wish Pastor John well, and also to send a special prayer to his dear mother, whose heart-wrenching death, as most of us know, was caused by her "ignor[ing] a case of athelete's foot and after 15 years it spread up her leg to her liver and then to her heart." Now, "she's burning in a special hell for christian scientists," and we all send a special prayer for that too.
God bless you Pastor John. Sorry to hear that the demons got both your mother AND you too!