Virginia Legislature Votes to Make Spanish Official Language of Gays

By: Josh
Published On: 5/20/2006 2:22:01 PM

Richmond, VA - After a fiery debate, that resulted in the entire Democratic delegation walking out of the chamber in disgust, the Republican members of the Virginia legislature, voted 57-0 to make Spanish the official language of Gays.  40 Democrats and 3 Independent Delegates walked out, effectively abstaining.

"This is a great day for hard-working, english-speaking, straight Virginia," said speaker William Howell. "We were bored worrying about transportation and education funding, blah, blah, blah...  This kind of stuff is a political winner for us and much more fun.  Boy oh boy!  Those pansy Democrats were pissed!", he added, laughing.

"We're just reading the tea leaves on the wall," said Delegate Dave Albo.  "We all know that Virginia doesn't trust gays.  We all know that homosexuals are out there plotting to abduct our children and sell them in to heroin slavery.  With English soon to be the official language of Americans, it'll be easy to spot unAmerican homosexuals, all you'll have to do is talk to them.  If most of their words end in something-o, then you know they rent Brokeback Mountain on a regular basis and dance to the Village people.  This'll make things easier for everybody."


Delegate Bob Marshall strongly supported and co-sponsored the bill.  "Let's face it, sometimes your gay-dar just doesn't work.  There was this time I was on a fact finding mission in the Fan district of Richmond.  This Legislative Aide was supposed to be showing me around so we could check up on ABC violations.  I made a comment on how scandalously dressed the young ladies were, and he said he couldn't believe how short some of the guy's shorts were.  It was the middle of the summer, so I couldn't tell if that remark was gay or not gay.  If he'd said it in Spanish, I would have been sure."

 
The new rule will become law only after two other new laws take effect.  Once Virginians ratify this fall's amendment to redefine marriage as a contract between a man and a woman and once the US Senate's new rule to make English the official language of the United States becomes law, Spanish will then become the official gay language in Virginia.  Republicans saw the new law for Virginia as a logical next step.

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I hope you enjoyed this little does of Onionesque goodness as much as I enoyed writing it.  While you're thinking about it, why not go over and help Equality Virginia defeat the Hate Agenda.

Comments



Ahh... snarky goodness (Josh - 5/20/2006 2:24:27 PM)
deeee licious!


Yes! (Nichole - 5/20/2006 3:14:26 PM)
This is exactly what I have been waiting for.... let's lump everyone who is different into one category and force them to become the same, yet they must remain different from us.

Woohoo!

;)



Great work Josh! (Eric - 5/20/2006 3:23:20 PM)
The scary thing is that I had to read a few paragraphs before being sure that you were joking.  In fact, you've probably given them something they'd consider.


Que? (Greg Bouchillon - 5/20/2006 9:03:58 PM)
Que es esto?


And all theocrats should speak in tongues... (Loudoun County Dem - 5/20/2006 9:21:15 PM)


Onion writers (I.Publius - 5/21/2006 1:29:52 PM)
must be really quaking in their shoes, worried that you're gonna steal their gig. 

Heh heh ... yeah, that's bloody likely. 

I'm sure you cracked yourself up, though.