Happy Valentine's Day, Jerry!
By: Lowell
Published On: 2/14/2005 2:00:00 AM
Dear Jerry: We here at RaisingKaine don't like you. And we certainly don't love you. But, as the good, bleeding-heart liberals that we are, we still wanted to wish you a Happy V.D. That's "Valentines Day," of course, but somehow it sounds better as "V.D." given your beliefs on contraception and sex in general.
So, what are you doing for V.D., Jerry? Something really romantic, like maybe attending an execution or something? Well, if you haven't thought of anything to do yet, here are a few suggestions from your friends at RaisingKaine. Don't say that we liberals never did anything for you!
Take your wife out for a nice dinner and make sure you carry your concealed weapon to the restaurant. Hey, you never know when those liberal waiters and waitresses might lose it (they're all probably on drugs) and start running amok. Then, you might need your AK-47 to defend yourself against flying bottles of French wine or plates of foie gras or whatever!
Go to a local store and buy some chocolates and roses for your wife. On second thought, maybe you should order them over the internet instead. That way, you can avoid the state sales tax you hate so much. Oh wait, didn't a lot of Republican moderates and GOP allies in the business community support RAISING the sales tax to pay for improvements to transportation and education here in Virginia. And don't you need their support to get elected? D'oh!
Charge up a few thousand dollars on your credit card -- spare no expense! Spend even more than you can afford and throw yourself into massive debt. You know, just like your plans for Virginia's finances if, god forbid, you ever become governor.
Invite your buddy (and top media strategist) Scott Howell over for a nightcap and celebrate the end of the "day of love" by thinking up the nastiest, slimiest, meanest possible ways to attack Tim Kaine. Scott will really enjoy this, since he's such a master at the politics of personal destruction and all. Perhaps you could think of ways to attack Kaine for being a religious Catholic, or maybe even imply that he's not really a Catholic at all! Yeah, don't hold back, Jerry, let your inner Pit Bull out! And don't worry, this won't be hard with Scotty Boy there egging you on; after all, think about what your buddy Scott did to Vietnam War hero (and triple amputee) Max Cleland in Georgia, basically calling him a disloyal, Saddam- and Osama-loving traitor for his service to our country. You know what I'm saying?
Anyway, whatever you decide to do for Valentines Day, and whoever you share it with, we at RaisingKaine hope you have a great time. See, we liberals may not like you in the least bit, but we do have a heart - a big bleeding one in fact. Anyway, Happy V.D. Jerry!
Love,
RaisingKaine.com
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