Republicans: We're the Torture People!
By: Lowell
Published On: 2/17/2005 2:00:00 AM
Come join us, we're Republicans. We don't take shit from nobody. That's why we promote people like John "Honduran Death Squads" Negroponte to positions of high authority, like U.S. National Intelligence Director. Because we don't care about trivial nuisances like the Geneva Conventions, human rights, civil liberties, or even the U.S. Constitution. Hey, we're at war, so anything goes. Right?
And for all you sniveling liberals who think that a few jolts of electricity to the gonads of a terrorist before you throw him out the helicopter into the ocean is the worst thing in the world, we've got news for you. If it weren't for the fact that we Republicans are willing to get a bit "rough" now and then with "the enemy," the Sandinistas would be swarming all over the the southern United States like killer bees by now. And if Alberto Gonzales hadn't told us it was ok to "waterboard" at Abu Ghraib who knows, Saddam Hussein could still be torturing his own people (yeah, it's bad in Saddam's case but alright in ours), Osama bin Laden could still be on the loose (yeah, he technically IS still on the loose, but we've got him cornered!), and Iraq could still be in chaos (well, sure, it IS in chaos but imagine how bad it could be if not for the fine work of our interrogators at Abu Ghraib).
You see, what you liberals don't understand is that the world is a ruthless, brutal jungle. It's kill or be killed, eat or be eaten, torture or be tortured. The difference between you liberals and us is that we have a clear-eyed view of things, while you guys are just a bunch of dreamers and starry-eyed idealists. What, the next thing you'll be telling us is that "all men are created equal" or some such nonsense. Or that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
See, what you wussy liberals don't understand is that those words in our great Declaration of Independence were never meant to apply to savages, or slaves, or terrorists. That's why we always say you've got to go back and figure out the framer's "original intent," but you guys always want to re-interpret what they said in light of 200 years of progress or something. That's why you always lose, and we always win. Might makes right, especially on the far right!
Someday you silly, misguided liberals will thank us for hard-assed, take-no-prisoners Republicans like George "Bring 'Em On!" Bush, John "Honduran Death Squads" Negroponte, Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay, Alberto "Waterboarding" Gonzalez, and even Jerry "Fry 'Em First and Let God Sort 'Em Out Later" Kilgore. This is a tough world we live in, with no place for people like Eleanor Roosevelt and her quaint "Universal Declaration of Human Rights." You know, the one with all that high-minded rhetoric like this:
Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,
Whereas disregard and contempt for human rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of mankind, and the advent of a world in which human beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of the common people,
Whereas it is essential, if man is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression, that human rights should be protected by the rule of law...
Whereas the peoples of the United Nations have in the Charter reaffirmed their faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person and in the equal rights of men and women and have determined to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,
Whereas Member States have pledged themselves to achieve, in cooperation with the United Nations, the promotion of universal respect for and observance of human rights and fundamental freedoms.
Blah blah blah, and so forth and so on. You see, all that "ringing" language about human rights and other such claptrap is why you guys are Democrats and we're Republicans. Some day, maybe you'll see the light. Until then, just be thankful you've got us keeping you safe and secure, taking no prisoners and torturing those we do.
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