Return of the Political Pander Bear
By: Lowell
Published On: 1/30/2005 2:00:00 AM
Although snow lies thick on the ground, believe it or not it's already the start of an election year in Virginia. It's also the time of year when a hungry animal is known to awake from hibernation and begin prowling for food. And make no mistake, this beast is voracious! No, we're not talking about normal animals like deer, foxes or coyotes, but about a much more insidious, unctuous, slithery creature. Yes, it's the return of the dreaded Political Pander Bear.
Rare in the wild, the Political Pander Bear more commonly resides in urban areas, particularly state capitals and anywhere that politicians gather. Biologists and political scientists hypothesize that the Political Pander Bear, made famous by Paul Tsongas back in 1992, lives in a unique symbiotic or possibly parasitical relationship with human politicians. A few biologists have even speculated that the Political Pander Bear and the human politician may be members of the same species, but this has not been confirmed due to the elusive, slippery nature of both creatures.
Still, scientists are certain that Political Pander Bears and human politicians have a great deal in common, including a voracious and even insatiable appetite for pork, among other things. One particularly dangerous sub-species of the human politician/Pander Bear species is known by the Latin name, Politicalus Republicanus Virginianus, and also by the more common name, "Pander Bear Republicans." This sub-species of Political Pander Bear and human politician has become extremely active recently, prompting concerned citizens to write their local newspapers in fear and dismay.
Patrick Smith of Spotsylvania, for instance, worries that the Pander Bear Republicans in Virginia might completely eliminate the car tax without any way to pay for it, and then spend all of our money on pork, leaving nothing for roads, schools, and hospitals. Specifically, Mr. Smith is concerned with the disturbing, seemingly irrational behavior of House Speaker Scott Howell and his buddy, gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore, both leading Pander Bear Republicans. Kilgore in particular has been acting strangely of late, running as a fiscally ruinous "tax-cut-and-spend Republican" in a strange, misguided attempt to set himself apart from the moderate, responsible, budget-balancing current governor, Mark Warner, and his equally responsible and moderate Lieutenant Governor, Tim Kaine.
Why would Howell and Kilgore propose a plan that would plunge Virginia deep into red ink once again, especially after so much bipartisan hard work over the past three years to restore the state to fiscal health and sanity? Are Howell and Kilgore unaware, perhaps, of the terrible effect that slashing health care and social services would have on the elderly, sick, and poor in our state? Do Howell and Kilgore not care about worsening traffic gridlock in our state? Or are Pander Bear Republicans simply not the most sensitive creatures in god's creation, particularly when they are hungry for pork -- not to mention for higher political office? Finally, the most disturbing possibility of all: could it be that the slobbering and drooling of Politicalus Republicanus Virginianus at the scent of pork (and political power) is an indication that they are infected with "political rabies," the most dangerous and deadly form of that dreaded disease?
While biologists, political scientists, and intrepid bloggers investigate this phenomenon, they recommend that you take extreme precautions. For starters, if you see a rabid Pander Bear Republican, officials advise that you not go anywhere near it, but instead run the other direction as fast as you can, screaming as loudly as possible and waving your hands in the air for help. If, god forbid, you find yourself trapped by one of these rabid creatures and can't get away, experts advise that you should cover your eyes, ears, and especially your nose, given that their sight, sound, and smell, particularly during election season, is reported to be intolerable. As a further precaution, experts recommend that you turn off your television and radio at the first sound of a rabid Pander Bear Republican. Believe it or not, there have been reports of citizens becoming extremely sick from watching and listening to this creature speak.
Finally, just to be safe, you might want to lock up your wife, children and pets for the entire election season. With rabid Pander Bear Republicans on the loose in Virginia, can any of us truly feel safe? Meanwhile, let us all pray that these creatures go back quickly and safely to their lairs, and not return to bother us ever again.
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