Ban Left-Hand Marriage!

I know there are some who say that being left-handed is not a choice...
That people are "born" that way.
That's ridiculous.
We all know we choose which hand to write with and feed ourselves.
And this disgusting abnormal perversion of this radical minority cannot be the will of God.
After all, in every human society from the beginning of time,
Right is "right"! It says so in every language.
Left is sinister, evil, gauche, maladroit.
Right is "droit", right, correct, the Law!

And left-handed people, unlike gay people, are more likely to propagate.
Do you want your child taught by a left-handed teacher?
Taught that it's OK to be left handed?
Taught that left-handed people are "normal" and "creative" and "healthy, functioning human beings"?
Do you want YOUR child to be left-handed and unable to use common tools and machinery?
No way! I will NOT support the Southpaw Agenda
The great majority of us are right-handed.
Being "Sinister" is a choice, as legions of "Ex-Southpaws" will tell you.

We must amend the Federal Constitution and every State Constitution in America to protect the sanctity of what all of humanity knows to be "Right."
Marriage is between two "normal" people: two "right" people. There is no such thing as "Southpaw Marriage." If God wanted left-handed misfits to marry, Eve would have picked the apple with her left hand.

Some say "separate but equal" is OK. That southpaws should be able to form civil unions - much as blacks did in slavery times - as long these twisted "fake marriages" aren't considered equal in the eyes of the law and as long as southpaws don't try to marriage (or mate!) with normal "right" people. But I disagree. This would lead to propagation of an inferior race of left-handed mongrels, unable to function in normal society where we drive on the right and write from left to right so the writing doesn't smear. (Don't talk to me about British driving or Hebrew writing. These things are as un-American as the Southpaw Lifestyle.)

And what happens after we vote and ban these sinners from corrupting the sanctity of marriage?
Democracy should rule! As it did under Jim Crow and Slavery! The Majority is ALWAYS RIGHT!
And those elitist activist "do-gooder" judges that say that "left-handed people" should have equal civil rights with normal people, those pointy-headed liberals who promote the "left-handed lifestyle" treated as if it were normal and natural? Throw the bums out!

After all, there is homosexuality in every single species in the animal kingdom. But left-handedness only applies to those few primates that have "hands." It is unnatural. It is sinful. It must be stamped out. There was a time only a generation or two ago when children were beaten for trying to write or eat with their left hand. They were taught to use the "right" one. What has happened to morality in America? There was a time when southpaws, gays, blacks, women, Latinos, Jews, Asians, Catholics, atheists, Irish, and Italians, and other minorities knew they were not "Real All-American Americans." Now they're so uppity. Now, children are being taught no morality at all, taught as if one hand were just as good as the other.

And now that left-handed people are marrying in record numbers, it's destroying marriage. Divorce even among "Right" Normal People is increasing. Children are born out of wedlock. And there are increased hurricanes on the Gulf Coast. God is clearly angry. Banning Left-Hand Marriage will be the first step in protecting the "sanctity of marriage" for our children and our grandchildren. And since the vast majority of Americans don't practice this sinful, ungodly lifestyle, I'm confident we can easily drum up a majority of Americans to pass the necessary laws to ban this perversion of marriage.

Save Sacred Souls!
Squelch Southpaw Sin!

In Jesus' Name We Pray
Amen.

(cross-posted at Dailykos and Radio Inside Scoop)

Comments