The Virginian-Pilot reports that Virginia's 2nd District Congresswoman, Thelma Drake, will address the Republican National Convention on Tuesday. She was named to the speakers' list for the opening night of the Convention.
We can't wait to see what Drake has to say, since lately her public campaigning has been limited to dodging TV cameras at private fundraisers and holding town halls for pre-screened supporters in remote areas. As a public speaker, Thelma has always been a pretty good real estate agent, so we hope she isn't intimidated by the big crowd. But given the number of prominent Republicans who are skipping the convention, she may be talking to empty seats.
Here's our imagined text of Drake's remarks:
My Fellow Republicans,I am honored to speak to you tonight, and to support our party's nominee, John McCain! I am privileged to represent the cities of Virginia Beach and Norfolk, and Virginia's beautiful Eastern Shore in Congress.
Since replacing my good friend Ed Schrock, who was hounded out of Washington by radical gay prostitutes, we have made a great deal of progress. I am proud of our accomplishments for the people of Virginia.
Under the leadership of President Bush, we have stayed the course, refusing to cut and run, fighting Islamic terrorists wherever they appear, except Pakistan. I hate sports analogies, but we have made fighting terrorism an "away" game. Now the terrorists are blowing up London and Madrid instead of America. Isn't that great? I can't tell you why, but the Surge is Working, so our troops can come home as soon as we capture Saddam Hussein Obama. We have disrupted clueless conspiracies in Miami and followed Osama bin Laden's driver to the gates of hell. We have all tried to learn the difference between Sunni and Shia, Iraq and Iran, Arabs and Persians, and Georgians and South Carolinians.
In addition to expanding our understanding of geography, my good friend Dick Cheney has helped me appreciate the true flexibility of the Bill of Rights. On my GED exam they said we had to obey the Geneva Convention on torture, but now I know that was pre-9/11 thinking. I used to think waterboarding was what my kids did in the surf at Virginia Beach, but now I know it's a good way to make al-Queda members look really bad in mug shots. President Bush and Vice President Cheney have also taught me to recite the seven reasons we went to war with Iraq with a straight face.
With John McCain as our nominee, I know we won't get fooled by that devious regime we installed in Baghdad. Instead, we should listen to General Petraus and our troops on the ground. When I met with them, they told me not to cut and run, and how thrilled they were to be called back for a fourth or fifth tour of duty. I can't understand President Maliki calling for timetables for withdrawal just like the Democrat extremists in Congress. When I met him in a bunker in the Green Zone, he was so cute ducking the mortar barrage while telling me how much conditions had improved. John McCain will not surrender to that kind of defeatist mentality. John McCain, like me, has no mentality!
Our area of Virginia is blessed with many military bases and many of my constituents are proud active and retired military members. He won't tell you this, but did you know John McCain is retired from the Navy and was actually a POW? That happened during a war called Viet Nam. Dick Cheney tells me that's another war we Republicans weren't allowed to win, which was why he avoided serving there.
I am proud to represent the military and serve on the Armed Services Committee. Even though I can't do much for my constituents since we lost Congress, I have fought for what I believe in. I voted against the new GI bill because I just KNEW President Bush would veto it. We're so close, you know. I voted against additional funding for VA hospitals because I share with President Bush and John McCain a firm belief in self-reliance. I strongly support drilling for oil off the Virginia coast. Now, I know the Navy opposes drilling in their training area. But I say if our sailors aren't skilled enough to to steer around oil platforms, how can they possibly help us "stay the course?"
The Democrat party keeps talking about the economy, economy, economy. We have a strong economy thanks to President Bush and we will have a strong economy with John McCain! Just because some whiners [Lowell's note: must be poor people making under $5 million a year] think things are going bad, look at the evidence. Things are great! Why, in my district, we've freed up commercial real estate by closing our silly old Ford plant. We almost freed up more real estate by losing our Naval Air Station through the BRAC process. Who could have seen that coming?
Through my leadership on the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee, we've preserved open space by not building a single new road in my district since I was elected. I led the way in trying to get my good friend Pat Robertson a highway exit to his latest office development, but the radical and possibly Muslim extremists in the Virginia Department of Transportation stood in our way. Our port in Norfolk is one of the finest in the world and it is only the fault of the Democrat Party that you can't get there from anywhere.
I have succeeded in improving employment opportunities for our struggling Regent Law School graduates. Where they used to say things like "do you want fries with that?" thanks to President Bush, they can now proudly proclaim, "I run the Department of Justice!"
With advice from my good friend Karl Rove, I voted against expanding children's health care. Republicans don't believe we should let children get "cut and run" to emergency rooms just willy-nilly.
The Democrats are talking about John McCain's houses. Houses, houses, houses! They're just jealous whiners. I feel sorry for John McCain. He only has seven or eight houses, which is great when you consider that some veterans in our country like to live in refrigerator boxes! But in this new economy, I've managed to get twelve houses!
The Bush/Cheney economic plan has been great for America. Some people say home foreclosures are a problem, but if you just look at them as a buying opportunity in a down market like I do, you can sleep just fine at night. Soon, more commercial real estate will come on the market when the 119 banks that are about to fail go out of business. Yes, I see opportunity everywhere in America.
But the greatness of America can't be measured in economic formulas or decreased standards of living. It can't be measured by our lack of strong alliances around the world. The greatness in America lies in its people. Yes, America's greatness lies in people who look like us, think like us, and worship like us.
If Republicans have the courage to confront the big issues, like gay marriage, abortion, and Mexicans, while not actually doing anything about them, we will retain the people's trust. If we can stay the course in a war we told everyone we won 3 years ago, we will retain the people's trust. If we complain loudly about special interests and continue to bathe in their campaign contributions, we will retain the people's trust. If we wave the flag and support our troops, while holding the line on actually spending money on them, we will retain the people's trust. My fellow Republicans, after my four years in Congress, I firmly believe there is nothing we can't achieve if we can just scare the hell out of our fellow Americans.
God Bless this party and God Bless John McCain, but please don't bless the extremely unpatriotic and possibly Islamic people who don't vote for us.
Stay the course? (that was the big favorite in 2004)
I think the only way I could watch this is if I was drinking something with lots of alcohol.