Looking for a Replacement for Tom DeLay? Look no further than Virginia!

By: Dan
Published On: 1/7/2006 2:00:00 AM

Now that Tom DeLay has quit his post as House Majority Leader due to increasing pressure from the embarrassed House GOP, we at Raising Kaine have plenty of suggestions for his replacement.  Right here in Virginia, for instance, we have eight Republican representatives who share the same values as Tom DeLay.  They also share the same willingness, resolve, and determination to put the needs of the Republican Party ahead of the needs of the American people.  Here they are, the "elite eight!"

1) JoAnn Davis (1st District).  She's great at hammering home those values issues, and she is a strong supporter of civil rights - as long as you aren't gay, woman, or an Arab. She stands firm that her fight for the Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was among the "most important" issues she had ever supported in Congress.  Finally, she was the key player during the Christmas season, bitching about the so-called "War on Christmas" to distract people from realizing how much they are in debt. Voting Record by issue

2) Thelma Drake (2nd District).  She won't waste any time going to military funerals, even if it's the first soldier to die in her district in 35 years.  Also, she'll make sure the National Environmental Policy Act gets "amended" so that any of those whiny environmentalists who have a problem with it get "strung up".  Meanwhile, she'll make sure her polluter friends can damage the environment all they want.  Furthermore, she'll keep pressing her support for the repeal of the estate tax, even though barely any of her constituents actually qualify for it! Voting Record by issue

3) Randy Forbes (4th District).  He's a strong conservative whose voting record was rated 100% by the Christian Coalition.  Randy works on the Chesapeake Bay Watershed Task Force, but don't worry, he has a limited record of actually supporting conservation efforts, especially for our forests.  Voting Record by issue

4) Virgil Goode (5th District).  Sure he used to be a Democrat, but he switched over to the Republican Party in 2000 and hasn't looked back since.  Think of him as a "born again" Republican who is now devoutly on your side.  In 2004, he voted with pro-life groups 100% of the time and the ACLU 0% of the time.  He voted with the American Family Association 100% the time, and with gay rights activists 0% of the time.  He voted with the NRA 100% of the time, and with the National Parent-Teacher Association 0% of the time - proving, of course, that Virgil Goode loves families, just not parents who are active in their children's education. Voting Record by issue

5) Bob Goodlatte (6th District).  Don't worry, he's not too concerned with the environment, despite the fact the many in his district live in the Shenandoah National Park region.  Instead, Goodlatte is a crusader for moral values, who felt it necessary to honor the lives lost on 9/11 by supporting a law allowing school prayer for as long as the "war on terror" is going on.  He is also pro-business to the last penny, opposing CAFE standards and supporting the restriction of bankruptcy laws for the poor, even though it will save less than $1 billion, and even though the prime beneficiary will be credit card companies.  Voting Record by issue

6) Eric Cantor (7th District).  He and Tom DeLay share the same good friends.  Jack Abramoff even named a sandwich after Cantor at a $500 per plate dinner.  Best of all, Cantor joined Tom DeLay, and fellow Virginians Thelma Drake and Virgil Goode, in standing up to John McCain by voting against the ban on torture.  Voting Record by issue

7) Frank Wolf (10th District).  He is a devout conservative who wouldn't budge on his moral values, even when it came to the residents of New Orleans.  He took a strong conservative stance when he refused to support the reconstruction of traditional New Orleans industries like casinos, country clubs, and spas.  He also has a long career fighting alternative fuels and CAFE standards, while making it easier to thin forests.  He also stands up for Republican values like supporting the Pledge of Allegiance, halting gay marriage, and criminalizing flag burning.  Voting Record by issue

8) Tom Davis (11th District).  Don't listen to the rumors, Tom is no moderate.  He has spent plenty of time supporting your right wing agenda, while only pretending to be a moderate.  Look closer, and you'll find a pro-business, religious conservative who pushes tax cuts for the wealthy and protects his friends in the auto industry at the expense of oil dependence and the environment.  Davis will make sure that domestic alternative fuel production isn't supported, so those Midwest farmers don't turn "green".  And Davis will make sure people don't have to wait for more than a day to buy a gun, which will come in handy when they have to fight each other to get the last remaining oil once the next energy crisis hits. Voting Record by issue

We at Raising Kaine feel that all of these fine men and women truly reflect the high standards set by Tom DeLay and the Republican Party over the last decade.  And, while nobody can truly replace "The Hammer," we believe that Virginia's Republican representatives can carry on DeLay's fine tradition of corruption, environmental indifference, contempt for civil liberties, and shafting of the poor for years to come.  Or, at least until the Republicans lose control of the House, hopefully this November.


Comments



Eric Cantor was also (Rob - 4/4/2006 11:31:09 PM)
Eric Cantor was also deep in the Abramoff muck - even had a sandwich named after him at Abramoff's D.C. deli.  If moves up in the leadership, it'll be obvious that it's more of the same for the GOP on the Hill.